Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.