FavoriteFamilyLectures

Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.

Bill Cosby's Comical Advice to High Point University Graduates Is Packed with Wisdom

Bill Cosby's message to High Point University 2007 graduates was as wise as it was comical. "Go away and get a job," he said. "These old people surrounding you are tired of you. They don't want you living with them. You are supposed to be somebody. If you are, you should not be back home. You are not entitled to anything except to go find work. That is very American and very Biblical. Your parents won't say it. But you should go ye, seek ye...and not come back ye!"

Now that is funny, and it is right on. The goal of parenting is to have a launch not build a hammock. When I told my dad that I was going on to graduate school, he pulled me aside privately, "I wanted you to get an education and I'm glad you have. But I didn't want you to get carried away with this. The rest of your education is on you!"

I don't go out and find work; I went to graduate school. But I went forward with a mission--to finish as quickly and cheaply as possible. These were my loans I would have to pay back. Just think, my dad and Bill Cosby share a common message of wisdom. Parenting is not to create dependent children but achievers ready to meet the challenge of finding their place in the world.

Now that is true caring! Do you parents and graduates agree?

Jim Stovall's Movie, "The Ultimate Gift" Is Truly a Gift

As a fellow speaker, I had heard of Jim Stovall's book, The Ultimate Gift. After hearing that his book was to be released as a FoxFaith inspirational drama, Lorie and I invested a Sunday afternoon at the movie theater.

All in the audience were given the gift of unwrapping Jim's movie, The Ultimate Gift, one scene at a time. The film took us from laughter to tears to insight and back again through a journey of love. The whole audience remained in their seats patiently after the movie was done to review the insights shared and scenes that reminded us of the gifts life provides-the gifts of work, friends, family, money, learning, problems, laughter, dreams, giving, gratitude, love…and the gift of a day. Some movies leave a sour aftertaste; The Ultimate Gift leaves viewers thankful for the blessing life provides when lived well. This movie deserves to be seen and supported!

The Ultimate Gift has a stellar cast that includes James Garner, Brian Dennehy and young Abigail Breslin fresh off her Oscar-nominated turn in Little Miss Sunshine. The movie title refers to an intriguing enticement offered to spoiled and arrogant Jason Stevens (Drew Fuller) by his recently deceased and extremely wealthy grandfather Red (James Garner). Red, via a series of video messages, promises the irresponsible young man that if he completes a series of tasks (or as Red puts it, "gifts"), he will receive a substantial inheritance.

After enduring a series of humiliating episodes in which he experiences life as a homeless person, does back-breaking labor at a ranch and travels to South America to come to terms with the death of his father, Jason begins to change. We watch him find a life-changing relationship with a beautiful single mother (Ali Hillis) and her feisty young daughter (Breslin) who is dying of leukemia.

I won't reveal any more of the story line, but let me assure you that this movie will challenge you to have conversations with your own children and grandchildren about the things that matter most in life. Instead of just leaving money in your will, you might even want to look for ways to add a few meaningful messages. Whatever you do, take time to see this film! If you want more information, check out their site at http://www.theultimategift.com.   

The Ultimate Gift was Jim Stovall's first novel, published in 2001. Stovall is also cofounder and president of Narrative Television Network, which helps make movies and television accessible to America's 13 million blind and visually impaired people. He himself became totally blind at age 29 as a result of a decade-long process.

His road to getting The Ultimate Gift transformed to film was not an easy one. Two major studios contacted him and optioned film rights. The first one held it for a year, but their script took the story too far away from the moral principles Stovall insisted the movie uphold. Fortunately, he had retained script and cast approval, so he was able to prevent the studio from changing his story. He said, "I told them, 'If you want to make that script into a movie, go ahead; no one will recognize my book anywhere in there.'" Negotiations with a second studio proved another dead end. When producer Rick Eldredge approached Jim and promised to retain the book's moral integrity, a partnership was born.

Jim is a strong Christian. If you have read the book, you will note that the film is decidedly less "Christian" than the book. But it remains an entertaining and uplifting movie that indirectly communicates the gift of faith. In The Ultimate Gift, Jim is truly putting his faith to work in touching audiences with a message that resonates with our desire for meaning and a life of service and loving relationships.

See this film as a family and talk about it over dinner. Then, come back and write your own review on this blog. The biggest gift may be the conversations it kindles.

Paulson Family Reunion August 20th

GREETINGS!

With only a month until the 2006 PAULSON FAMILY REUNION, we wanted to send you more information. The date is on Sunday, August 20th, from 1:00 to 4:00 pm at Warren and Helen Paulson's place in Caledonia, IL. Please forward this e-mail to others in your family who may not have received it! You can also access this information at the following website (http://terrypaulson.typepad.com/favoritefamilylectures/2006/07/paulson_family_.html). While you are there you may want to add one of your Paulson Family Favorite Family Lectures! What did your folks try to teach you as a youth?!

Warren and Helen Paulson have again graciously invited us back to their place in Caledonia. For those of you who weren't there at past reunions, Warren and Helen (815-885-3846) can give you directions.

WHAT TO BRING? Every great reunion takes everyone pitching in to make it that way. Here are some things we want you to bring:

WHAT TO WEAR? Be comfortable and casual for the reunion. It can be hot and humid in Illinois in August. With Warren's expanded facilities, we can be inside and outside depending on the day. Bring your frisbee, fishing pole, or any other outside game you may want to play. Who knows...you may find another Paulson willing to play with you! They have badminton and horseshoes. Maybe we can find someone with a bat and ball, and get a game going if anyone is interested. BINGO Help... As usual, there will be BINGO with wonderful....OK...unusual prizes for winners.

WHAT FOOD TO BRING? As with any Paulson Family Reunion, we count on good food. That means we need you to bring some of your favorite recipes to add to the celebration. There will be some paper plates and utensils for people coming from out of town. The rest might want to bring their own place settings to cut down on the costs. Use this key to make your choice on what food to bring:

Salads (last name A to E)

Main Dish (last name F to R)

Deserts (last name S to Z).

Now, if you don't like what you're told to bring, bring what you want, and we'll eat it!

UPDATING OUR FAMILY TREE INFORMATION What family addresses and e-mail information needs updating? We want to continue to update families, names, addresses, phone numbers, and especially e-mail addresses to better connect our families. We anticipate that more of you are now online, and we need you to send us any other family e-mails that we should include in our mailings. You can still e-mail me current information at my e-mail address: terry@terrypaulson.com/ If you need lodging information in the area, let me know. I can e-mail you a list!

DIRECTIONS TO THE REUNION Warren and Helen Paulson' Homestead: 6910 Argyle Rd., Caledonia, IL 61011, (815) 885-3846. You can get there from anywhere...and here's some help when you get close!

Coming from East on I 90, get off at Genoa Rd. exit in Belvidere. Turn Rt., go straight onto the EBY to Beloit Rd (4th Stop light), turn Rt. And go 8 miles to second stop sign, proceed on Argyle 500 ft. to Paulson's drive. From Beloit so South on Route 251 to Roscoe. From Roscoe take Belvidere Rd. (or Bridge Rd.) South East 6 miles to Argyle, turn Rt. 500 ft. to driveway.

On Hwy 173 from the East (1 mile after sign for "Argyle") turn left (south) on Argyle or from the West (4 miles past the Rockford Speedway) turn right (south) on Argyle for ¾ mile to Warren and Helen's.

From I 90 (from the north or south) take the East Riverside exit. Go East to Paulson Rd., turn left to the end of the Paulson Rd., turn Rt. on Harlem Rd. until you reach the stop sign. Turn left on Argyle 500 ft.

SO MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO ATTEND...WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU SOON AT THE PAULSON FAMILY REUNION!

Terry Paulson

Your California Paulson Connection!

terry@terrypaulson.com