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Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.

One Father's Tax Lesson: Caring for the Poor Is not just Government's Job

Son: "The gap between the rich and poor just keeps growing! Executives get millions; workers are supposed to feel lucky they have a job!"

Dad: "If they can earn more somewhere else, they should take that job! Life is difficult; it isn't fair. Because you were born in America, you have a bedroom that's bigger than homes in most poor countries. You're lucky life isn't fair, or you'd probably be living in a hut somewhere. Want to trade?"

Son: "No, but just giving half of a CEO's salary to those in need would make a real difference."

Dad: "So you want to give his money, not yours."

Son: "They have more than anyone could need!"

Dad: "That would seem true, but that's for him to decide. Those 'rich' people donate the majority of the funds charities need. Bill Gates not only made billions with Microsoft; he's made a difference with his billions."

Sean: "Not all rich people give."

Dad: "That's their loss. When you invest in giving, the payoff isn't in money. It's in meaning. Good guys do finish first. If people don't realize that, they don't know what the finish line is."

Son: "The poor are left behind!"

Dad: "In a world where rewards are distributed unequally, everyone is challenged to use their gifts to do something in a better, faster or unique way that people value enough to pay for. That's why people create; that's why they work hard, go to school or learn a craft."

Son: "Some have dead-end jobs!"

Dad: "Some politicians work to keep them there. They hate poverty so much that they reward it! Whatever you reward you get more of! So if my response to your entry-level job is to raise your minimum wage beyond its market value, you're more likely to stay in that dead-end job. Why go to college or learn a new skill if you can get more money settling for a job with minimum skills? Capitalism is tough love. It fosters competition because it cares enough to challenge you to better yourself. A free-market economy rewards achievement and penalizes anything less."

Sean: "Some people can't get better!"

Dad: "Some can't; many don't. We need a safety net for the poorest of poor, but don't make that safety net a hammock. Most Americans who politicians classify as "poor" have cars, multiple TVs and DVD players! Government studies show that only 5% of citizens remain chronically poor. Most are between jobs; many who were at one time poor become quite successful. We should reward them for achieving success, not remaining poor. That's why income taxes should be kept low and government spending cut! A recent Tax Foundation study found that America's lowest-earning households received $8.21 in government services for each dollar of taxes paid. Middle-income households received $1.30 per tax dollar, and America's top earners $0.41. Is that fair?"

Son: "The rich don't pay their fair share!"

Dad: "Really? After the 'unfair' Bush tax cuts, the top 20% percent of income producers went from paying 81% to 85% of the total income taxes? The bottom 40% of Americans went from paying nothing to getting a subsidy! America can't afford to punish success. The success of the rich helps everyone! I want everybody to get richer-the rich and the poor! I'm glad Bill Gates makes enough to give billions away! Even more important, his company has created jobs that support many families. With the Internet as the highway, his software advances have enabled many more to create unbelievable wealth all over the world. Microsoft's success has also made good returns for investors. Just because someone becomes rich doesn't make anyone else poor. In fact, in expanding economies, the more rich people there are, the more profits are created, the more people spend, and the more jobs are created."

Son: "They should still pay more."

Dad: "Since you make more money monthly in your part-time-job than many of the world's workers make in a year, should politicians take 40% of your paycheck to subsidize them?"

Son: 'No way!"

Dad: "Exactly! It's more caring to help people earn their own money than to give them money. Too many Politicians make it sound like it's caring to take from 'evil' rich people and give to those making less."

Son: "Isn't giving the Christian thing to do?"

Dad: "Interesting! As a matter of faith, the Ten Commandments aren't suggestions! It's still a sin to covet the possessions of others. It's a sin to take from others or to have someone do take for you. Jesus didn't call on the government to care for the poor; that's everyone's job. The Good Samaritan didn't tell the government to care for his neighbor; he paid for it himself. When you vote for politicians who will take more from your neighbor than what they take from you, I don't call that Christian or noble."

Son: "What are you doing now?"

Dad: "My tax return. It's great motivation for writing my column."

Byline: Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com. This column first appeared in Ventura County Star, April 9, 2007, p. B-6.

Finances and Money Management Are Too Important Not to Be Taught Early

Linda Leitz, a financial planner from Colorado Springs, CO, has written a great resource, The Ultimate Parenting Map to Money Smart Kids.  As teens get closer to going to college, it's a natural time to have candid conversations about how their education will be paid for with savings, loans, jobs and scholarships. These provide excellent vehicles for important lessons, but why wait for high school?

Linda believes that there are "five fundamentals of financial fitness. If they are learned before thirty, they can lead to a financially sound lifetime. They are saving 10 percent of what you earn, taking advantage of any retirement plan through your job, working toward owning a house, having enough liquidity to deal with an emergency and avoiding debt."

In most schools, there is not a single class directed to finances. Start early with allowing kids to open savings accounts to save for important purchases. Let them make deposits, keep track of how much they need and take the money out to buy the item.

With teens, take time to explain financial choices you make. Help them learn why you pick a certain kind of mortgage loan and how to work with a budget.

Don't forget to show the importance of giving. Tell them why and how you donate to your faith community. Explain how you pick responsible charities that actually make a difference with the money given.

(Source: Eileen Alt Powell, "Books aim to teach young adults about personal finance," Ventura County Star, December 31, 2006, D7.)