FavoriteFamilyLectures

It's Time for a Few More Family Lectures and Less TV

After viewing a treasure of a youtube performance by Andy Andrews sharing the 50 top parental lectures in 60 seconds, I was aware of how sad it is that too many parents have stopped lecturing and given the brains of their children to Television. Taka moment to see Andy's performance and note how many of those statements you grew up wiht.

What statements hit home with you?

I wrote on a facebook post that I am thankful that my parents lectured me about not buying things you can't afford, to pay off any debt, to save for a rainy day and to take responsibility for your own choices and life. As a result, tough times just reinforce established wisdom.

George Lucas said, "Don't avoid the clichés. They are clichés because they work." Change is wonderful, but it's equally important to value the wisdom of the past. We may have resented some of those parental lectures as a youth, but we found ourselves repeating them to our children. Why? Because they are laced with timeless truths.

What parental wisdom do you most appreciate now? What do you stress with your own children?

Showing Respect Is not Slavery...and Must Be Taught

Vincent Muli Kituku, PhD, (www.kituku.com) is an author and an inspirational/educational speaker. After hearing fellow speaker, John Alston, share his plan to write a book focusing on how goodness must be taught, shared how his father taught him the importance of respect. His father would often share a Swahili proverb that says, "Heshima si utumwa," meaning "Respect is NOT slavery." But his father brought that message home in the following experience:

I was admitted to the University of Nairobi in early September 1981.   When I received the admission forms, I noticed that I was required to get a signature from a government officer from my home place.  The official was to confirm that the admission forms were filled and signed by the right person.  It was not a problem for me to get an officer because my father knew the magistrate.

After filling out the forms, my father took me to the magistrate’s office.  When we permitted to enter his office, I led as my father followed.  There were two seats across the table from the magistrate.  I took one seat after handing my admission forms to him.  My dad faced the magistrate, bowed to him, then proceeded to sit down.  We were not inside the courtroom, so I figured there was no need to bow.

The magistrate exchanged brief greetings with my father and went through my forms without looking at me or saying anything.  After signing my forms, he handed them to me, again without a word.  I thanked him and stood up to leave.

My father, who was sitting near the door, also stood up.  But, instead of leaving the office, he turned to me,  held my neck and bent it. I got the message.  I had to bow.  He bowed, too, and we left the office.  I was humiliated.  I felt angry.  I wondered why I didn’t do it before I was forced to.

Thank you Vincent for the poignant lesson and for sharing both the pain and the blessing you experienced in learning it.

What painful lessons were you taught in your home that are now a blessing to your life?

Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.

Graduation Advice from CEOs

Del Jones, for a USA Today Executive Suite feature, asked CEOs, "If you had a son or daughter graduating from college or high school this year, what advice would you give to them?" That's a great question. Let me share some of the responses I loved best:

Jon Boscia, Lincoln National CEO, said: "Focus on deciding what will motivate you to get out of bed in the morning. Is it school? What kind? Is it work? What field? Don't worry about making a mistake--you're young and you have a lot of time to experiment."

Jim MaCann, CEO of 1-800-Flowers.com, advised: "Your youth is one of the main things you bring to the table. Share your energy and excitement. It will cost you nothing extra to have a passionate personality. Find a way to share your unique perspective with your new colleagues. You understand things about technology and culture that my generation only reads about. Use this to your advantage."

R. Donahue Peebles, author and real estate developer, said: "Prepare for surprises and disappointments and embrace both."

Jim Quigley, Deloitte & Touche CEO, advised: "Make ethical behavior the cornerstone of your career. The question is not, 'Will I get caught?' or even, 'Is it legal?' To be successful in business and in life, we must follow the higher standard of, 'Is it right?' In my view, the people who follow this standard live richer, fuller lives and achieve success that lasts."

Steve Odland, Office Depot CEO, said: "Don't just pick a career at which you're good. pursue something that comes intuitively for you and that you love instinctively. Success will follow." He also added: "Popularity wanes. Fame and fortune are fleeting. Reputation remains. How you treat others defines who you are."

This is what CEOs have suggested. How would you respond to this question? What would you advise graduates?

(Del Jones, "Just a Little Friendly Advise," USA Today, May 21, 2007, p. 7B)

Bill Cosby's Comical Advice to High Point University Graduates Is Packed with Wisdom

Bill Cosby's message to High Point University 2007 graduates was as wise as it was comical. "Go away and get a job," he said. "These old people surrounding you are tired of you. They don't want you living with them. You are supposed to be somebody. If you are, you should not be back home. You are not entitled to anything except to go find work. That is very American and very Biblical. Your parents won't say it. But you should go ye, seek ye...and not come back ye!"

Now that is funny, and it is right on. The goal of parenting is to have a launch not build a hammock. When I told my dad that I was going on to graduate school, he pulled me aside privately, "I wanted you to get an education and I'm glad you have. But I didn't want you to get carried away with this. The rest of your education is on you!"

I don't go out and find work; I went to graduate school. But I went forward with a mission--to finish as quickly and cheaply as possible. These were my loans I would have to pay back. Just think, my dad and Bill Cosby share a common message of wisdom. Parenting is not to create dependent children but achievers ready to meet the challenge of finding their place in the world.

Now that is true caring! Do you parents and graduates agree?

A Prayer for God’s Perfect Love in the Midst of Heartache

Tears are the price you pay for loving and risking its loss, but love anyway! In her book, The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom, shared her first heartbreak and the words of her father that helped her find a way through her pain. As parents, we struggle for ways to reassure our children that they will survive heartbreak, but few have found a way to honor and use the pain of loss to keep love alive. Again we find the role of faith in calling us to a higher ground where we treasure memories that make life worth living. Enjoy Corrie’s powerful memory of a father’s wisdom:

’Corrie,’ father began. ‘do you know what hurts so very much (about having someone you love reject you for another)? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that its stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel—even more than you do—and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.’ … I was still in kindergarten in these matters of love. My task just then was to give up my feelings for Karel without giving up the joy and wonder that had grown with it. And so, that very hour, lying there in my bed, I whispered an enormous prayer: ‘Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future—oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much!”

We ought to thank God for love lost, love experienced…and love sustained. What early memories of love does this rekindle from your life?

(Source: Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place, Spire Books, 1971, p. 44-45)

Talking about Sex May Be Too Heavy for the Young to Carry

Childhood memories are often the key not to the past, but to the future. The experiences in our lives become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work we are to do later in life. Corrie Ten Boom, the author of The Hiding Place, knew that well as her experience as a child in Holland helped her prepare for the challenges she would face as an adult.

When overrun by Germany in World War II, her family protected many Jewish families and worked in the underground. When finally captured, Corrie lived through the Holocaust experience. Her earthly father taught her many lessons that she drew on in the camps.

Corrie had a father who wanted his children experience childhood. Corrie shared an example: “’Sex,’ I was pretty sure, meant whether you were a boy or a girl, and ‘sin’ made Tante Jans very angry, but what the two meant together I could not imagine. And so, seated next to my father in the train compartment, I suddenly asked, ‘Father, what is sex sin?’ He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor. ‘Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?’ he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. ‘It’s too heavy,’ I said. ‘Yes, he said. ‘As it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.’ I was satisfied. More than satisfied-wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions—for now I was content to leave them in my father’s keeping.”

Are there things we should wait to explain to our kids or has the current influx of Television and the Internet created a need to have conversations earlier?

Corrie later observed that there were times in camp where she had no easy answers as to why so many were suffering in the camps. At those times, she would say to herself, "It's too heavy for me to understand why. Since it is too heavy for me to carry, I trust that God the Father will carry it for me until I am ready to understand his plan."

(Source: Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place, Spire Books, 1971, p. 26-27)

Jim Stovall's Movie, "The Ultimate Gift" Is Truly a Gift

As a fellow speaker, I had heard of Jim Stovall's book, The Ultimate Gift. After hearing that his book was to be released as a FoxFaith inspirational drama, Lorie and I invested a Sunday afternoon at the movie theater.

All in the audience were given the gift of unwrapping Jim's movie, The Ultimate Gift, one scene at a time. The film took us from laughter to tears to insight and back again through a journey of love. The whole audience remained in their seats patiently after the movie was done to review the insights shared and scenes that reminded us of the gifts life provides-the gifts of work, friends, family, money, learning, problems, laughter, dreams, giving, gratitude, love…and the gift of a day. Some movies leave a sour aftertaste; The Ultimate Gift leaves viewers thankful for the blessing life provides when lived well. This movie deserves to be seen and supported!

The Ultimate Gift has a stellar cast that includes James Garner, Brian Dennehy and young Abigail Breslin fresh off her Oscar-nominated turn in Little Miss Sunshine. The movie title refers to an intriguing enticement offered to spoiled and arrogant Jason Stevens (Drew Fuller) by his recently deceased and extremely wealthy grandfather Red (James Garner). Red, via a series of video messages, promises the irresponsible young man that if he completes a series of tasks (or as Red puts it, "gifts"), he will receive a substantial inheritance.

After enduring a series of humiliating episodes in which he experiences life as a homeless person, does back-breaking labor at a ranch and travels to South America to come to terms with the death of his father, Jason begins to change. We watch him find a life-changing relationship with a beautiful single mother (Ali Hillis) and her feisty young daughter (Breslin) who is dying of leukemia.

I won't reveal any more of the story line, but let me assure you that this movie will challenge you to have conversations with your own children and grandchildren about the things that matter most in life. Instead of just leaving money in your will, you might even want to look for ways to add a few meaningful messages. Whatever you do, take time to see this film! If you want more information, check out their site at http://www.theultimategift.com.   

The Ultimate Gift was Jim Stovall's first novel, published in 2001. Stovall is also cofounder and president of Narrative Television Network, which helps make movies and television accessible to America's 13 million blind and visually impaired people. He himself became totally blind at age 29 as a result of a decade-long process.

His road to getting The Ultimate Gift transformed to film was not an easy one. Two major studios contacted him and optioned film rights. The first one held it for a year, but their script took the story too far away from the moral principles Stovall insisted the movie uphold. Fortunately, he had retained script and cast approval, so he was able to prevent the studio from changing his story. He said, "I told them, 'If you want to make that script into a movie, go ahead; no one will recognize my book anywhere in there.'" Negotiations with a second studio proved another dead end. When producer Rick Eldredge approached Jim and promised to retain the book's moral integrity, a partnership was born.

Jim is a strong Christian. If you have read the book, you will note that the film is decidedly less "Christian" than the book. But it remains an entertaining and uplifting movie that indirectly communicates the gift of faith. In The Ultimate Gift, Jim is truly putting his faith to work in touching audiences with a message that resonates with our desire for meaning and a life of service and loving relationships.

See this film as a family and talk about it over dinner. Then, come back and write your own review on this blog. The biggest gift may be the conversations it kindles.

The Secrets of Life: An Open Letter to Graduating Students

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.

Families Make a Difference in Showing that Life Is not Easy

In a recent Parade article about Meryl Streep, we learn a little about how important family is to who she is as a person and professional. She acknowledged that she is not ready to write any books about parenting, but she knows its value. "Parenting is really expertise on the fly," she confessed. "You make it up as you go along. I back Don up. He backs me up. We agree. So thank God for that!"

One of the lessons Meryl learned from her parents growing up in a comfortable New Jersey suburb was that good things don't come easily. She remembered, "We were very aware of what everything cost. We were made to be aware of the price of things. I was always security-minded--it's the Depression Era mentality that's built into you. I remember thinking: 'If I take student loans out, if I make a certain amount of money, how long will it take me to pay it off and be free and clear? We were always encouraged not to incur any debt, except to establish your credit rating. It's not a bad thing to tell you kids. It's tougher now."

Too many kids are investing in the wrong CD's! They have music to last a lifetime, but no money saved for the things that they are going to need. Saving is seldom taught by the Boomer Generation; we came from a time of plenty and tried to make sure our children never had to do without.

Unfortunately, too many parents forget to let their youths experience Meryl's important lesson--good things don't come easily. Credit cards are all too plentiful for today's youth. They are learning to buy now and pay later! It's time for a little earn now and experience the reward later training in today's homes. Care enough to teach the importance of hard work, savings and patience. It is a lesson that pays dividends in more ways than one.

(Source: James Kaplan, "I Choose Family," Parade, May 28, 2006, p. 4-6.)