FavoriteFamilyLectures

The Secrets of Life: An Open Letter to Students

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Now, what secrets would you add to this list?

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Now, what secrets would you add to this list?

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.

Showing Respect Is not Slavery...and Must Be Taught

Vincent Muli Kituku, PhD, (www.kituku.com) is an author and an inspirational/educational speaker. After hearing fellow speaker, John Alston, share his plan to write a book focusing on how goodness must be taught, shared how his father taught him the importance of respect. His father would often share a Swahili proverb that says, "Heshima si utumwa," meaning "Respect is NOT slavery." But his father brought that message home in the following experience:

I was admitted to the University of Nairobi in early September 1981.   When I received the admission forms, I noticed that I was required to get a signature from a government officer from my home place.  The official was to confirm that the admission forms were filled and signed by the right person.  It was not a problem for me to get an officer because my father knew the magistrate.

After filling out the forms, my father took me to the magistrate’s office.  When we permitted to enter his office, I led as my father followed.  There were two seats across the table from the magistrate.  I took one seat after handing my admission forms to him.  My dad faced the magistrate, bowed to him, then proceeded to sit down.  We were not inside the courtroom, so I figured there was no need to bow.

The magistrate exchanged brief greetings with my father and went through my forms without looking at me or saying anything.  After signing my forms, he handed them to me, again without a word.  I thanked him and stood up to leave.

My father, who was sitting near the door, also stood up.  But, instead of leaving the office, he turned to me,  held my neck and bent it. I got the message.  I had to bow.  He bowed, too, and we left the office.  I was humiliated.  I felt angry.  I wondered why I didn’t do it before I was forced to.

Thank you Vincent for the poignant lesson and for sharing both the pain and the blessing you experienced in learning it.

What painful lessons were you taught in your home that are now a blessing to your life?

Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.

Bill Cosby's Comical Advice to High Point University Graduates Is Packed with Wisdom

Bill Cosby's message to High Point University 2007 graduates was as wise as it was comical. "Go away and get a job," he said. "These old people surrounding you are tired of you. They don't want you living with them. You are supposed to be somebody. If you are, you should not be back home. You are not entitled to anything except to go find work. That is very American and very Biblical. Your parents won't say it. But you should go ye, seek ye...and not come back ye!"

Now that is funny, and it is right on. The goal of parenting is to have a launch not build a hammock. When I told my dad that I was going on to graduate school, he pulled me aside privately, "I wanted you to get an education and I'm glad you have. But I didn't want you to get carried away with this. The rest of your education is on you!"

I don't go out and find work; I went to graduate school. But I went forward with a mission--to finish as quickly and cheaply as possible. These were my loans I would have to pay back. Just think, my dad and Bill Cosby share a common message of wisdom. Parenting is not to create dependent children but achievers ready to meet the challenge of finding their place in the world.

Now that is true caring! Do you parents and graduates agree?

One Father's Tax Lesson: Caring for the Poor Is not just Government's Job

Son: "The gap between the rich and poor just keeps growing! Executives get millions; workers are supposed to feel lucky they have a job!"

Dad: "If they can earn more somewhere else, they should take that job! Life is difficult; it isn't fair. Because you were born in America, you have a bedroom that's bigger than homes in most poor countries. You're lucky life isn't fair, or you'd probably be living in a hut somewhere. Want to trade?"

Son: "No, but just giving half of a CEO's salary to those in need would make a real difference."

Dad: "So you want to give his money, not yours."

Son: "They have more than anyone could need!"

Dad: "That would seem true, but that's for him to decide. Those 'rich' people donate the majority of the funds charities need. Bill Gates not only made billions with Microsoft; he's made a difference with his billions."

Sean: "Not all rich people give."

Dad: "That's their loss. When you invest in giving, the payoff isn't in money. It's in meaning. Good guys do finish first. If people don't realize that, they don't know what the finish line is."

Son: "The poor are left behind!"

Dad: "In a world where rewards are distributed unequally, everyone is challenged to use their gifts to do something in a better, faster or unique way that people value enough to pay for. That's why people create; that's why they work hard, go to school or learn a craft."

Son: "Some have dead-end jobs!"

Dad: "Some politicians work to keep them there. They hate poverty so much that they reward it! Whatever you reward you get more of! So if my response to your entry-level job is to raise your minimum wage beyond its market value, you're more likely to stay in that dead-end job. Why go to college or learn a new skill if you can get more money settling for a job with minimum skills? Capitalism is tough love. It fosters competition because it cares enough to challenge you to better yourself. A free-market economy rewards achievement and penalizes anything less."

Sean: "Some people can't get better!"

Dad: "Some can't; many don't. We need a safety net for the poorest of poor, but don't make that safety net a hammock. Most Americans who politicians classify as "poor" have cars, multiple TVs and DVD players! Government studies show that only 5% of citizens remain chronically poor. Most are between jobs; many who were at one time poor become quite successful. We should reward them for achieving success, not remaining poor. That's why income taxes should be kept low and government spending cut! A recent Tax Foundation study found that America's lowest-earning households received $8.21 in government services for each dollar of taxes paid. Middle-income households received $1.30 per tax dollar, and America's top earners $0.41. Is that fair?"

Son: "The rich don't pay their fair share!"

Dad: "Really? After the 'unfair' Bush tax cuts, the top 20% percent of income producers went from paying 81% to 85% of the total income taxes? The bottom 40% of Americans went from paying nothing to getting a subsidy! America can't afford to punish success. The success of the rich helps everyone! I want everybody to get richer-the rich and the poor! I'm glad Bill Gates makes enough to give billions away! Even more important, his company has created jobs that support many families. With the Internet as the highway, his software advances have enabled many more to create unbelievable wealth all over the world. Microsoft's success has also made good returns for investors. Just because someone becomes rich doesn't make anyone else poor. In fact, in expanding economies, the more rich people there are, the more profits are created, the more people spend, and the more jobs are created."

Son: "They should still pay more."

Dad: "Since you make more money monthly in your part-time-job than many of the world's workers make in a year, should politicians take 40% of your paycheck to subsidize them?"

Son: 'No way!"

Dad: "Exactly! It's more caring to help people earn their own money than to give them money. Too many Politicians make it sound like it's caring to take from 'evil' rich people and give to those making less."

Son: "Isn't giving the Christian thing to do?"

Dad: "Interesting! As a matter of faith, the Ten Commandments aren't suggestions! It's still a sin to covet the possessions of others. It's a sin to take from others or to have someone do take for you. Jesus didn't call on the government to care for the poor; that's everyone's job. The Good Samaritan didn't tell the government to care for his neighbor; he paid for it himself. When you vote for politicians who will take more from your neighbor than what they take from you, I don't call that Christian or noble."

Son: "What are you doing now?"

Dad: "My tax return. It's great motivation for writing my column."

Byline: Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com. This column first appeared in Ventura County Star, April 9, 2007, p. B-6.

Jim Stovall's Movie, "The Ultimate Gift" Is Truly a Gift

As a fellow speaker, I had heard of Jim Stovall's book, The Ultimate Gift. After hearing that his book was to be released as a FoxFaith inspirational drama, Lorie and I invested a Sunday afternoon at the movie theater.

All in the audience were given the gift of unwrapping Jim's movie, The Ultimate Gift, one scene at a time. The film took us from laughter to tears to insight and back again through a journey of love. The whole audience remained in their seats patiently after the movie was done to review the insights shared and scenes that reminded us of the gifts life provides-the gifts of work, friends, family, money, learning, problems, laughter, dreams, giving, gratitude, love…and the gift of a day. Some movies leave a sour aftertaste; The Ultimate Gift leaves viewers thankful for the blessing life provides when lived well. This movie deserves to be seen and supported!

The Ultimate Gift has a stellar cast that includes James Garner, Brian Dennehy and young Abigail Breslin fresh off her Oscar-nominated turn in Little Miss Sunshine. The movie title refers to an intriguing enticement offered to spoiled and arrogant Jason Stevens (Drew Fuller) by his recently deceased and extremely wealthy grandfather Red (James Garner). Red, via a series of video messages, promises the irresponsible young man that if he completes a series of tasks (or as Red puts it, "gifts"), he will receive a substantial inheritance.

After enduring a series of humiliating episodes in which he experiences life as a homeless person, does back-breaking labor at a ranch and travels to South America to come to terms with the death of his father, Jason begins to change. We watch him find a life-changing relationship with a beautiful single mother (Ali Hillis) and her feisty young daughter (Breslin) who is dying of leukemia.

I won't reveal any more of the story line, but let me assure you that this movie will challenge you to have conversations with your own children and grandchildren about the things that matter most in life. Instead of just leaving money in your will, you might even want to look for ways to add a few meaningful messages. Whatever you do, take time to see this film! If you want more information, check out their site at http://www.theultimategift.com.   

The Ultimate Gift was Jim Stovall's first novel, published in 2001. Stovall is also cofounder and president of Narrative Television Network, which helps make movies and television accessible to America's 13 million blind and visually impaired people. He himself became totally blind at age 29 as a result of a decade-long process.

His road to getting The Ultimate Gift transformed to film was not an easy one. Two major studios contacted him and optioned film rights. The first one held it for a year, but their script took the story too far away from the moral principles Stovall insisted the movie uphold. Fortunately, he had retained script and cast approval, so he was able to prevent the studio from changing his story. He said, "I told them, 'If you want to make that script into a movie, go ahead; no one will recognize my book anywhere in there.'" Negotiations with a second studio proved another dead end. When producer Rick Eldredge approached Jim and promised to retain the book's moral integrity, a partnership was born.

Jim is a strong Christian. If you have read the book, you will note that the film is decidedly less "Christian" than the book. But it remains an entertaining and uplifting movie that indirectly communicates the gift of faith. In The Ultimate Gift, Jim is truly putting his faith to work in touching audiences with a message that resonates with our desire for meaning and a life of service and loving relationships.

See this film as a family and talk about it over dinner. Then, come back and write your own review on this blog. The biggest gift may be the conversations it kindles.

Finances and Money Management Are Too Important Not to Be Taught Early

Linda Leitz, a financial planner from Colorado Springs, CO, has written a great resource, The Ultimate Parenting Map to Money Smart Kids.  As teens get closer to going to college, it's a natural time to have candid conversations about how their education will be paid for with savings, loans, jobs and scholarships. These provide excellent vehicles for important lessons, but why wait for high school?

Linda believes that there are "five fundamentals of financial fitness. If they are learned before thirty, they can lead to a financially sound lifetime. They are saving 10 percent of what you earn, taking advantage of any retirement plan through your job, working toward owning a house, having enough liquidity to deal with an emergency and avoiding debt."

In most schools, there is not a single class directed to finances. Start early with allowing kids to open savings accounts to save for important purchases. Let them make deposits, keep track of how much they need and take the money out to buy the item.

With teens, take time to explain financial choices you make. Help them learn why you pick a certain kind of mortgage loan and how to work with a budget.

Don't forget to show the importance of giving. Tell them why and how you donate to your faith community. Explain how you pick responsible charities that actually make a difference with the money given.

(Source: Eileen Alt Powell, "Books aim to teach young adults about personal finance," Ventura County Star, December 31, 2006, D7.)

Kirk Douglas Shres His 90th Birthday Wish--Wisdom for the Ages!

When someone reaches his 90th birthday and speaks about the lessons he has learned, it pays ot listen. In a Dec. 8th editorial, compliments of PRNewswire, famed actor, Kirk Douglas, shared this message for future generations:

"My name is Kirk Douglas. You may know me. If you don't ... Google me. I was a movie star and I'm Michael Douglas's dad, Catherine Zeta-Jones' father-in-law, and the grandparent of their two children. Today I celebrate my 90th birthday.

I have a message to convey to America's young people. A 90th birthday is special. In my case, this birthday is not only special but miraculous. I survived World War II, a helicopter crash, a stroke, and two new knees.

It's a tradition that when a "birthday boy" stands over his cake he makes a silent wish for his life and then blows out the candles. I have followed that tradition for 89 years but on my 90th birthday, I have decided to rebel. Instead of making a silent wish for myself, I want to make a LOUD wish for THE WORLD.

Let's face it: THE WORLD IS IN A MESS and you are inheriting it. Generation Y, you are on the cusp. You are the group facing many problems: abject poverty, global warming, genocide, AIDS, and suicide bombers to name a few. These problems exist, and the world is silent. We have done very little to solve these problems. Now, we leave it to you. You have to fix it because the situation is intolerable.

You need to rebel, to speak up, write, vote, and care about people and the world you live in. We live in the best country in the world. I know. My parents were Russian immigrants. America is a country where EVERYONE, regardless of race, creed, or age has a chance. I had that chance. You are the generation that is most impacted and the generation that can make a difference.

I love this country because I came from a life of poverty. I was able to work my way through college and go into acting, the field that I love. There is no guarantee in this country that you will be successful. But you always have a chance. Nothing should interfere with it. You have to make sure that nothing stands in the way.

When I blow out my candles -- 90! ... it will take a long time ... but I'll be thinking of you."

Don't Get Trapped in Credit Card Debt

In 1997, Mitzi Pool, a freshman at the University of Central Oklahoma, hanged herself in her dorm room. On her sunflower-print bedspread was a pile of unpaid credit card bills. Mitzi's mother blamed despair over her $2000 credit card debt for the death of her daughter, a young woman that friends affectionately called the "joker" because she was always smiling. She wasn't smiling that day.

Elizabeth Warren, Professor at Harvard Law School (quoted in USA Today, October  2, 2006, 2B), described the problem well: "These credit card issuers circle the campus like sharks circling fish. Companies are turning over every possible rock to find a live human being to take one of their credit cards and use it. The college-age student is a prime target."

They'll give you free sandwiches and pizzas just to sign up. Don't think your college will protect you. Many universities sign sweetheart deals that allow banks the right to market credit cards on campus. The invite the fox into the chicken coup.

Wise parents are talking to their teens about the predatory habits of banks and the easy credit that they promise. Learn responsible money management habits early, and you will have them for a lifetime!

If you do want to seek a credit card, try avoiding the free gifts and shop for a card that provide low interest rates. Rates vary on cards from 9.9% to 23%; go to http://www.bankrate.com to find a card that will give you the best rate possible. Don't buy what you can't afford. Pay off your balance every month and pay on time to avoid the expensive late fees that can quickly add up.

Instead of getting a credit card, try purchasing a gift card that is prepaid and use that for your purchases. Earn first and enjoy later!

The Secrets of Life: An Open Letter to Graduating Students

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.