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The Secrets of Life: An Open Letter to Students

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Now, what secrets would you add to this list?

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.

As one of America's young adults, you hold our country's future in your hands. As you look at graduating from high school, here are some SECRETS OF LIFE for your journey. Sometimes a little truth-telling can be the best kind of graduation gift you can receive.

SECRET 1: Don't be your own worst enemy. Henry Ford said: "Most of the bars we beat against are our own. We put them there, and we can take them down." Instead of whipping yourself over mistakes, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Then get out of the rearview mirror and back into making your life better.

SECRET 2 - Life is difficult and unfair; get used to it. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty let's you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. As you stretch your mental and relationship muscles, they will work even better for you. Maturity and true optimism come from a track record of overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. You have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties; prove that to yourself.

SECRET 3 - Instead of caring about your self-esteem, most people are worried about themselves. Find your own inner appreciation for what you do well. You won't be good in all areas, so don't copy the dreams of others. Turn your God-given gifts into a way to make meaning and enough money. You may be winning and not know it if you are not keeping score; keep track of your successes in a daily journal.

SECRET 4 - Develop a sense of gratitude. You are not entitled to a great job with a high salary, a perfect partner or an easy life. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. When you expect less, you are happier when you achieve more. The next time you feel like calling a pitty party, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

SECRET 5 - Don't settle for easy teachers or mentors; be excited by the ones that challenge you. When I went from being a great student in high school to being challenged in college, I realized an important truth-your best and most caring teachers are the ones that care enough to challenge you. They believe you have something great inside you, and they call for it to surface. After all, if you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have a boss.

SECRET 6 - Be nice to your parents along the way. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from cleaning up after you and listening to your frequent complaints! Your parents are doing the best they can. So the next time you feel like being upset with them, remember that they love you and you love them! The older you get the more you will appreciate them. You might as well start now.

SECRET 7 - Don't believe everything they tell you in college. Some of your professors may have done away with winning and losing, but Life has not. Some may actually believe that America is the biggest problem in the world instead of the champion of liberty and economic opportunity that holds the world together. They may try to tell you that all moral choices are relative, and there is no standard of right and wrong. These opinions don't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

SECRET 8 - Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It isn't just what you know in life that will get you ahead; it is how you treat others you live and work with. Nice people do get ahead. Manners are the lubricating oil of relationships. If you learn that now, it will pay off throughout life.

SECRET 9 - Cultivate your faith. People may try to convince you that God does not exist. Many intellectuals think that their minds are vastly superior to centuries of faith experience. God will be near you all the way through your coming years whether you acknowledge Him or not. He patiently waits for your prayers, for your study of His word, and for your presence at a faith community of your choice. Meet Him half way.

SECRET 10 - Laugh a lot. Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be yourself. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

None of us live all these secrets, but it's worth trying. Make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey. We all want you to succeed. 

Now, what secrets would you add to this list?

Byline: Terry Paulson, PhD, is a professional speaker on author of Can I Have the Keys to the Car? Contact him at terry@terrypaulson.com and visit his blog at http://www.favoritefamilylectures.com to add your favorite lectures and lessons learned. This column first appeared in May 2004 in the Ventura County Star.

Today's Children Could Use a Little Tough Love: Learning from the Past

Parents never used to read parenting books or worry about being "perfect parents" raising "perfect kids." They loved their children and just did the best they could. They set limits, disciplined when needed, lectured frequently, and made kids earn their way in the home and in life. They weren't afraid of letting their kids handle their own boredom, disappointments, frustrations, battles and failures. They let their kids grow up and out of their homes. Parents today could learn from the tough love lessons parents used to teach:

1. Life is difficult. Life in our home won't always be easy. Learning how to handle both your bad days, disappointments and failures and your victories, successes and celebrations is an important lesson.

2. You won' like all of our decisions. We'll listen to you, but you will not always get your way. No sales person or child sells them all. Don' use what other parents do. You live in our home, and as long as you do, we promise not to spoil you by treating you like parents who do! After all, as parents, we'd rather be respected than liked.

3. Parents aren't butlers or maids! For a family to go smoothly, everyone must learn to contribute. You'll have chores until you leave home. If you work too much to do your chores, a portion of your paycheck may be used to defray the cost of making up for the chores you don't do. If you can get a better deal, live there!

4. Our money is not your money. We worked our way through school and careers to earn the house, vacations and possessions we have. By learning what it means to earn your own money and save for things you want, you'll be better prepared for life. So, even when we can, don't expect us to buy you everything.

5. If you are bored, that's your choice! It's not our job to schedule your life, entertain you, rescue you from boredom or ensure your happiness. There's never nothing to do; choose from the vast array of choices you've been blessed with by just living in America.

6. We support teachers, preachers and police officers. We won't automatically take your side against people in authority.  When a teacher says behave, behave. When you treat those in authority with respect; most will do the same with you. Outside of evidence of downright abuse, we'll side with responsible adults. When a police officer stops you, pull over and be polite. If you get in trouble as a result of your actions, blaming your friends won't work. You're responsible for you, no matter what others do.

7. Find your gifts and develop them to achieve realistic dreams. Not all dreams are realistic. All the dreaming in the world won't make everyone soar like Kobe Bryant! Life is about admitting your weaknesses, identifying your gifts, working hard to develop those gifts, and then finding a way to use your strengths to make a living and a satisfying life. Don't settle for copying others! We're looking forward to watching you use your unique gifts to achieve your own dreams! 

8. True self-confidence is earned not given! Some adults may flatter you for just breathing. Even though we'll love you forever, we love you enough not to shower you with empty praise. True optimism comes from a track record of hard work in overcoming obstacles. Confidence comes from bouncing back from disappointments on the way to achieving successes you can be proud of. We'll let you earn your confidence the old-fashioned way-by hard work.

9. Take you life seriously, but yourself lightly. Instead of viewing everything as a crisis, learn to laugh a little. Someday, even your most embarrassing moments are going to be great stories worth laughing about. Why wait? Learn to laugh every day!

10. Your father and mother know more than you think! Don't believe everything you learn in school or see on television. Parents aren't stupid. Yes, you have a mind and will increasingly be given more choices, but we have experience, common sense and wisdom that we've earned on the way to becoming parents. Get used to a few lectures. You may not listen now, but you'll appreciate many of those lectures later in life.

Finally, know that we love you more than anything in life. We love you enough to give you limits, say "no," discipline you, lecture you, hug you even when you don't want to be seen with us, take you to church, ground you, send you to your room, applaud your successes, hold you when you hurt, and get even with you when we get to be grandparents to your children. 

Byline: This column first appeared November 12, 2007 in the Ventura County Star. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, speaker, author and host to the PoliticalTalk Blog. Contact him at www.politicalassessment.com or at terry@terrypaulson.com.

Bill Cosby's Comical Advice to High Point University Graduates Is Packed with Wisdom

Bill Cosby's message to High Point University 2007 graduates was as wise as it was comical. "Go away and get a job," he said. "These old people surrounding you are tired of you. They don't want you living with them. You are supposed to be somebody. If you are, you should not be back home. You are not entitled to anything except to go find work. That is very American and very Biblical. Your parents won't say it. But you should go ye, seek ye...and not come back ye!"

Now that is funny, and it is right on. The goal of parenting is to have a launch not build a hammock. When I told my dad that I was going on to graduate school, he pulled me aside privately, "I wanted you to get an education and I'm glad you have. But I didn't want you to get carried away with this. The rest of your education is on you!"

I don't go out and find work; I went to graduate school. But I went forward with a mission--to finish as quickly and cheaply as possible. These were my loans I would have to pay back. Just think, my dad and Bill Cosby share a common message of wisdom. Parenting is not to create dependent children but achievers ready to meet the challenge of finding their place in the world.

Now that is true caring! Do you parents and graduates agree?

We Celebrate Jackie Robinson--a Civil Rights Pioneer, a Bruin & a Republican

On April 15, more than taxes are due. We celebrate something far more significant--the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in professional baseball. In fact, he didn't just break Baseball's barrier; he broke it for all professional sports. He even ushered in the civil rights movement. His Dodger teammate,, Ralph Branca said it well, "You have to give him credit. He really did break the color barrier. He made it easier for Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks and everybody else who followed. (USA Today, April 13, 2007)

What touched me most about recent coverage was a pen pal relationship with the black legend Jackie Robinson and 14-year-old white Jewish boy from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He was a pen pal with a legend. The correspondence with Robinson opened up a whole new world to this young man. Today he talks about his 18 personalized letters and a dozen signed pictures. He doesn't want anyone to forget this man who helped changed the country.

Now a salesman, Ron Rabinovitz relives the great memories of his relationship with Robinson. Jackie would write once every six weeks during the season. There were congratulatory telegrams for his bar mitzvah and high school graduation, and visits when the Dodgers were in town.

Interestingly, though Ron's family were Democrats, Ron remembered that Jackie was a strong Republican. Disappointed by the Southern Democrats' stand against civil rights, he wrote to Ron, "We have a real fight on civil rights ahead of us, and it appears we still have some forces to lick. I am still very disappointed in the Democrats and hope we can get some kind of a stand." After complaining about the Kennedy and Johnson, he wrote, "Democrats talk for effect, but when important issues come up they can't do a thing. I expect to go all out for the Republicans. I would prefer the kind of leadership that at least is honest and expresses its own viewpoint. It may not be the way I believe, but it is at least their opinion and I trust a man who at least stands by his own beliefs. I can't say much for the Democrats who promised so much but produced nothing."

How would he talk now about the entitlement traps the Democrats have created for black America that just hold so many back. I believe this strong "can do" American would still be critical of many Democrats and current black leaders.

When Jackie died on October 24, 1972, Ron wrote his widow, Rachel: "Through the years I learned from Jackie the true meaning of being a man. I learned never to back down on a cause you truly believe in no matter what the odds against you might be. These are important things for a boy to know while growing up, and I will cherish these memories and recall the beauty of a friendship between a man and a boy."

To this day, when Ron talks to young people about Jackie, he shares the doctrine that had guided Jackie's life, that he wrote in 1957: "I learned a long time ago that a person must be true to himself to succeed. He must be willing to stand by his principles even at the possible loss of prestige. He must first learn to live with himself before he can hope to live with others. Always, Jackie."

Now that is a mentor worth learning from and a legend worth honoring. It helps that he was a UCLA Bruin.and a Republican...not that I'm biased or anything! 

Adventurous Spirit Has Been Living with Gusto and Giving for over 100 Years

Mildred "Bitsy Thompson is 106 years old. Born in Missouri in 1900, she still puts her 106 year-old body through daily yoga and stretching routines; she keeps her mind active by participating in daily current event discussions. There is much to learn from this woman.

In a crowded family with two brothers and a sister, the only way to get attention was to do daredevil things. She road a bareback horse while standing up; that stunt earned her older brothers' admiration and the nickname, "Bitsy." While a student at Stephens College in Missouri, she was one of five people selected to travel to Puerto Rico to teach English. She stayed a couple of years, learning to speak Spanish and traditional Spanish dances.

At 106, she still goes through 15 minutes of exercises daily. Her favorite exercise is when she lies in bed and pretends that she's biking to the top of Pike's Peak. She has learned to live by a personal model that she often shares with others, "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." That is a life lesson worth remembering...and living by.

(Source: Joseph A. Garcia, "Living through a Century," Ventura County Star, January 15, 2007, B-1)

Every Child Needs People Who Believe In Them

Anne Sweeney, Co-Chair of Disney Media Networks and President of Disney-ABC Television Group, was named the "Most Powerful Woman in Entertainment" by The Hollywood Reporter, one of the "50 Most Powerful Women in Business" by Fortune and one of "The World's 100 Most Powerful Women" by Forbes. But Anne Sweeney remembers the people that were there for her when she needed to believe in herself. She shared, "Once when I was young, I was having a difficult time with my Latin homework. I complained to my mother about how hard it was. I told her that I wasn't as smart as she thought I was. My mother stopped what she was doing, looked me in the eye, and said, 'You don't know how smart you are.' I now try to convey the same message to others."

Isn't it great that we have parents, teachers and bosses who believed in us before we believed in ourselves! We all need that. Many of the greats in our midst have had mentors and encouragers who at the right time in their lives believed that they could do something that was significant. We hold onto those people in our minds and treasure the memories of their support.

As parents, never forget to believe in your kids. Even in the crazy teen years, they need to know that you believe they will find their way through all the challenges to become adults you can be proud of. Let them know you believe that. Confront and discipline poor behavior but believe in the child!

(Source: Anne Sweeney, President, The Disney Channel, Burbank, CA, in Anna Muoio, editor, "My Greatest Lesson", Fast Company, pp. 83-92, June/July 1998)