MotivationLine

True Self Confidence Comes from You and Your Relationships

At a presentation today, Francis Maguire (http://www.frankmaguire.com) made a point that rings so true even to the most successful in our midst: "We all carry treasures in fragile containers."

That says it all. What we so often project to others is confidence, but we alone know how much we don't know and how many mistakes we make. We want to feel confident, but we know "the truth." From CEO's on down, we at times feel like impostors!

It used to be that we expected leaders to know it all. We looked to our leaders for the answers we were sure they had. Today, even the most informed leaders know how little they know and how much they depend upon others.

I know and treasure my relationship with Frank Maguire. In his colored life he has worked with President John Kennedy, Fred Smith at Fed Ex, Colonel Sanders at KFC, Ted Koppel at ABC, and the list goes on. He's made a difference wherever he has gone, but he too has moments of self-doubt.

I wrote to Frank later and made an observation that hopefully, you will find it as insightful as it is heartfelt:

"Frank, It became clear that when you were asked about why so many CEO's do not have the confidence. There is an obvious reason no one discussed. It used to be that you wanted a leader who 'knew it all'—and they had to pretend when they didn't know it all. Today we need CEO's with a confidence that makes room for wisdom where he can find it…in the relationships he brings with him to make that team that delivers. Confidence lies not just in faith in yourself but in your team—each with the confidence to bring their treasured skills to the mix needed to invent the future.

Frank, what suddenly impresses me most about you, my friend, is something that is now obvious. YOU are a TREASURE to have on a team. You're an encourager, an optimist, a visionary that listens. You make other leaders better. How did you get all these great positions—you earned it by making every team better for having you. You make us better at our Gold Coast mastermind group.

You are the encourager—the mirror that lets the light of others shine brighter. You are the greatest. Like all of us, you've confessed that you struggle with confidence. May I suggest you expand your definition to include the people and memories that reside within you and in your expanded and powerful network. There is no one richer. I am better for knowing you."

Can you make room in your own view of yourself to realize how valuable you are to others and how valuable they are to you. We don't go through life alone; we do it together. Have confidence in yourself and those you work and live with; that is your true strength. You probably earned their respect and trust, so value it and yourself!

Does it make sense to you for your self-confidence to be based on both you and your relationships?

Trade Endless Rumination for Constructive Action

Sometimes we get in the way of our own motivation. I am reminded of a past client who said she didn't want to come in for therapy. She felt she needed some time alone to get her "head together." I warned her, "I wouldn't go there. You're worse on yourself than your worst enemies." She laughed at the comment and decided to come in for some sessions. Unfortunately, that woman was not the only one with this problem.

Susan Holen-Hoeksema, psychologist and author of Women Who Think Too Much, writes: “Twenty years ago, my research began to show that women fall into what I call ‘endless analysis of the past, present and future.’ If they’re upset, they tend to call friends who hold a magnifying glass to every little angle. At the first sign of problems men head out for a game of pickup basketball or other distractions. ‘Later,’ they say. So who is better off? There's a downside to stewing over life's issues. It amplifies sadness, makes problems harder and alienates others. Women are twice as likely as men to develop depression. But women who act more like men-distracting themselves first and then plotting solutions-have the same depression rate as men. Cutting-age brain studies suggest that a bad mood activates a network of bad memories that are connected in the brain. The more someone mulls over problems, the stronger this link becomes."

Susan Holen-Hoeksema also had some suggestions: "So constant overthinkers can ‘hardwire’ their brains for brooding. They can also minimize or stop it if they’re determined. Some overthinkers keep toy ‘Stop’ signs in their desks or purses as a reminder to limit pondering. Others schedule ‘overthink’ times and find that the wait gives needed perspective. Many have discovered new solutions, or at least limited the ‘fret’ time, by writing about the problems, meditating or praying. Sometimes people need new friends-people who will problem-solve with them and not indulge in ‘tit-for-tat’ worrying sessions.”

A support network of friends who can empathize with your struggle and act as a sounding board but challenge you to problem solve and get into action can be a tremendous asset. Pick the right friends who allow you to trade endless rumination for constructive action.
 
But what about the men? When men go through a crisis, less than 50% of the men will talk to anyone. They see themselves as a rock capable of handling what life throws them. They want no dialogue until the battle is won and the obstacles overcome. The rest of the men who would talk to another would tend to pick a woman, usually their partner. They do not pick male friends with whom they compete.

Men could learn from women about the importance of a constructive support network. Women could learn from men about cultivating self-reliance as a strength. Motivation comes from within, but the people in our lives play a key role. Do you have the right people in your network of friends and colleagues? For now, trade some of your worry and rumination time for constructive action and watch your motivation take flight!